It’s been six weeks and a day since Benjamin’s last breath. I’ve been thinking a lot about this period of time. Six weeks. At six weeks after the births of each of our sons, we had our final clinical visits with our midwives. They’d make sure my uterus was healthy, free from infection and properly contracted back… Continue Reading Postmortem.
Waking up dreamless yesterday morning made me feel empty, and my emptiness soon evolved into frustration. I was working on elements of Benjamin’s memorial service on my computer, and the pictures I needed to see weren’t loading fast enough for my liking. I was grumpy. I needed to get outside. In the backyard, on a gorgeous… Continue Reading Empty and Full.
Last night, sleep came a little more easily. I woke up multiple times, and I know Michael did too, but the wake-ups were short-lived. We are warming to our bed’s embrace. Our sweet friend and spiritual counselor Andy met us for breakfast this morning to continue last night’s conversation. We sat together for two hours. We… Continue Reading In the Moment.
This has been the hardest day. Even yesterday, the day my Benjamin died, was easier than this. Today he wasn’t here. And I wanted him to be. So badly. I thought that when we came home I would collapse into our bed and not wake up for days. I was wrong. Every hour I woke, perhaps… Continue Reading After.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and where we spend the holiday night is still very much up in the air. Benjamin and I both slept long and well last night. When we woke up I was extremely encouraged. He was in a good mood and he didn’t complain at all of stomach pain. He wasn’t nauseous.… Continue Reading Day 722/94
Today was a very good day. I admit the holiday-ness of it all threatened my emotional stability more than once. But Benji felt better today than he has in many days, and we just have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for the blood donor whose platelets were infused into Benjamin’s veins… Continue Reading Day 693/65