Benjamin has been away from this world for 65 days. These last two weeks have been cathartic, fascinating, riveting, unexpected and reassuring. As this Easter season comes to a close, I am filled with a sense of renewal. Reaffirmed faith. Belief in the new growth on the trees. Appreciation for the plump caterpillar, unaware of his… Continue Reading Renewal.
It’s been six weeks and a day since Benjamin’s last breath. I’ve been thinking a lot about this period of time. Six weeks. At six weeks after the births of each of our sons, we had our final clinical visits with our midwives. They’d make sure my uterus was healthy, free from infection and properly contracted back… Continue Reading Postmortem.
Things feel very intense right now, and I have a full and grateful heart. As I sit here for hours and hours sorting photographs I am struck with pride and thankfulness at having been blessed with this boy for nine years and fifty-one days. There was just so much joy in Benjamin’s life. I have evidence. Tons… Continue Reading Nearing.
Sleep is absolutely necessary. Sleep is completely elusive. How these two facts will reconcile is beyond me, but it’s time. I was awake again last night until after 5am. I tried to lie down several hours earlier, but it was futile. My mind was racing with images and all I wanted to do was return to… Continue Reading Sleep.
Waking up dreamless yesterday morning made me feel empty, and my emptiness soon evolved into frustration. I was working on elements of Benjamin’s memorial service on my computer, and the pictures I needed to see weren’t loading fast enough for my liking. I was grumpy. I needed to get outside. In the backyard, on a gorgeous… Continue Reading Empty and Full.
I woke up too early this morning, and no one had anywhere to be. The same was true the morning I dreamed of Benjamin, so I went back to sleep, willing my brain to repeat the gift. It did not work. Such an empty feeling. Benjamin was just a few days older when he died than Banyan was… Continue Reading Weeks.