Things feel very intense right now, and I have a full and grateful heart. As I sit here for hours and hours sorting photographs I am struck with pride and thankfulness at having been blessed with this boy for nine years and fifty-one days. There was just so much joy in Benjamin’s life. I have evidence. Tons of it.
Sleep has been coming a little more easily, though it is still not plentiful enough. Still, I am hesitant to look forward to next week, when I can sleep freely. As painful and frenzied as this process is, it is an honor, and it will be over too soon. The finality is looming over me and it hurts.
People say that those that have died live on in the ones they loved. It has always sounded a bit cliche to me, but now I am really embracing the idea. I feel Benjamin more within me than without me. I feel him when I’m with his friends and family, and they definitely feel him when they’re with us. I feel him so close when I’m with Banyan, and with Michael. I feel him in the music we listened to together and in the smells of our kitchen when something’s on the stove.
I am still craving Benjamin’s physical presence, of course, and I suspect this will never change. When I feel pangs of longing I stop, and I remember him as exquisitely as I possibly can.