Things feel very intense right now, and I have a full and grateful heart. As I sit here for hours and hours sorting photographs I am struck with pride and thankfulness at having been blessed with this boy for nine years and fifty-one days. There was just so much joy in Benjamin’s life. I have evidence. Tons of it.

Sleep has been coming a little more easily, though it is still not plentiful enough. Still, I am hesitant to look forward to next week, when I can sleep freely. As painful and frenzied as this process is, it is an honor, and it will be over too soon. The finality is looming over me and it hurts.

People say that those that have died live on in the ones they loved. It has always sounded a bit cliche to me, but now I am really embracing the idea. I feel Benjamin more within me than without me. I feel him when I’m with his friends and family, and they definitely feel him when they’re with us. I feel him so close when I’m with Banyan, and with Michael. I feel him in the music we listened to together and in the smells of our kitchen when something’s on the stove.

I am still craving Benjamin’s physical presence, of course, and I suspect this will never change. When I feel pangs of longing I stop, and I remember him as exquisitely as I possibly can.

26 thoughts on “Nearing.

  1. Praying for your healing everyday !! You as well are just as strong as Benjamin and I know he is proud to say that’s my Mom isn’t she wonderful!!

    1. Laura, you have been through so much physically and emotionally. Time is the only thing that heals a broken
      Heart. Take things a day at a time. The seasons will
      give you purpose. Your mind and body will know
      What to do. Take your time. Pour your love and
      Creativity into each day. You will find your purpose.
      Love to all your family.

  2. You both look beautiful in that picture. What a happy baby. Take comfort in that he is in heaven where there is only joy. No pain or sadness. He is watching over your family.

  3. I didn’t know you back when Benji was little but I love to see all the old pictures you post. I can just imagine his laughter in this picture. Pure joy. I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you so much love ❤️

  4. Not a day goes by that Benji, you and your family aren’t on my mind. Big hug. We look forward to participating in celebrating Benji’s life and his impact that continues on – and supporting all of you. I’ll look for the date. Thought it was this Saturday the 4th.

  5. His joy will forever be in your heart. <3 Sending you big hugs, love, and strength. <3 Thank you for sharing with us.

  6. I completely understand how you feel. I wish I could tell you it diminishes, but I’m almost 3 months out and it feels as intense as the day I lost my princess. But you are so right the feeling is more intense with the family, memories, sensations, feelings. I pray for you and your family and thank you again for sharing your story it has help me deeply to read Benji’s journey to cope with my lost. God Bless

  7. hi

    i met darren dixon today and he told me about y’all.., please know that you will all be in my prayers… God bless y’all ❤


    harry connick, jr.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *