Sleep is absolutely necessary. Sleep is completely elusive. How these two facts will reconcile is beyond me, but it’s time.

I was awake again last night until after 5am. I tried to lie down several hours earlier, but it was futile. My mind was racing with images and all I wanted to do was return to them. I allowed it, but I paid the price today, on less than two hours of sleep. Every emotion was heightened, and my sadness spilled out everywhere.

My sweet midwife was near the owl-blessed place for a conference today and asked my permission to visit, and to water Benjamin’s trees. It felt like such a gift for her to be there, for her hands to touch the earth around him, her hands which were the first to touch his body. She sent pictures and sounds and told me of birds and butterflies, and it was so comforting. The pain of his absence was so succinct today, a combination of my lack of sleep and thousands of images of his beautiful face. It’s been over a month since he smiled. How can that be, when we have on record his contagious smile every month, week, every day of his life.

Other gifts continue to flow into this house. A dear friend delivered a painting to me today that took my breath away. On wood, it depicted my favorite moment from Benjamin’s birth, so sweetly, so beautifully. Her darling boy, whose birth I witnessed, pointed to the painting and said, “There’s Benjamin!” It was a powerful exchange. More cards, letters, words and love came in later. My oldest friend sent me a package that made me cry from a deep place. Without sleep, everything was right at the surface today. In the short term, that’s okay. I welcome the emotional release. But this can’t last. I need rest. Everything just feels so intense right now, and I need space to prepare for the weekend.

One thing that continues to help soothe my soul is children laughing in our driveway. Banyan went home with a friend today, and he wasn’t on the street; yet still, all of the neighborhood kids wanted to come to our house to play. It means the world to me and I totally get it. Benjamin’s energy is here. The energy of the perfect Clematis Street balance is here. I hope they play in our driveway forever.

I will stop writing in this space soon, but I will not stop writing. I can’t. I trust that the perfect outlet for the words that have saved me will present itself. I hope I find Benjamin close there, wherever it may be.

I am scared of the days that follow. I am grateful for such a wonderful teacher. He showed me how to be brave.

26 thoughts on “Sleep.

  1. Please don’t stop writing in this space. I am losing a sweet 5 year old friend tonight to B-Cell All. Your posts help me so much. If you choose another outlet, please share. God bless you on this new journey toward emotional healing. I think of you every day.

  2. Laura, I look for your writings every day and night. It keeps me hanging on. I am always thinking of you and wondering how you are. I hope you will continue to write. Sending love

  3. “I will stop writing in this space soon, but I will not stop writing. I can’t.” Music to my ears. You are a writer.

  4. We lost our 56 year old Down Syndrome sister and sister-in-law after a surgery gone awry this Saturday. Your gift gives me comfort.

  5. Much Prayer for you, Micheal, and sweet Banyan
    All my love ….
    Write where ever … when ever
    You wil know what to do

  6. My stepdaughter has a severe immune neutropenia, when we are lucky she is around 100 counts., when she is sick probably she goes to 300. She is just 5 and she has been this way for all her life. Your story is bringing me confort, teach me to be brave and to be positive. Please do not stop sharing your life with us.

  7. Laura, your writing is a gift. Please write, and may it be in the best form you choose. My heart beats and I breath air more poignantly when I read your words. I will be there with Maggie and Megan, Jack and Lilah this Saturday. Love to you. I wish you deep sleep and happy dreams.

  8. As Shakespeare said, sleep knits up the raveled sleeve of care, sleep is the balm of hurt minds and sleep is the chief nourisher in life’s feast.

    May you find sleep and sweet dreams tonight. Sending peace.

  9. Sending you loving thoughts and prayers from across the miles. Thinking of you and your beautiful family. Peace to your hearts. Xo

  10. Thank you for your writing. I urge you to continue…and to share when and where you feel comfortable. You …and Benjamin…are helping more people than you know. For that we are all so very grateful. We send you love and wishes for comfort and continued strength.

  11. What an awesome painting of a beautiful family….. What a sweet message to hold dear to your heart….. God Bless.

  12. May you sleep soundly soon.

    I, and many, will patiently wait to read your words whenever and wherever they next appear. Thru you, Benjamin inspired hundreds of us. Your sweet boy lives in our hearts.

  13. Sending you deep breaths, unhurried thoughts, and peaceful sleep right now. I love that you know so keenly what you need for yourself. You will find your way… ❤❤❤ we are sending our love constantly.

  14. We are thinking of you constantly… hoping for sweet dreams and restful-solid sleep.
    We have several owls living in our back yard… We listen to them nightly and think of your sweet family.
    Sending so much love to you.

  15. A friend was sharing your story. Very sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking to read this. Happy to see you are Journaling and listening to your thoughts and emotions. Sending you love and I know good sleep will arrive at the right time for you.

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