Nearing.

Things feel very intense right now, and I have a full and grateful heart. As I sit here for hours and hours sorting photographs I am struck with pride and thankfulness at having been blessed with this boy for nine years and fifty-one days. There was just so much joy in Benjamin’s life. I have evidence. Tons… Continue Reading Nearing.

Sleep.

Sleep is absolutely necessary. Sleep is completely elusive. How these two facts will reconcile is beyond me, but it’s time. I was awake again last night until after 5am. I tried to lie down several hours earlier, but it was futile. My mind was racing with images and all I wanted to do was return to… Continue Reading Sleep.

Empty and Full.

Waking up dreamless yesterday morning made me feel empty, and my emptiness soon evolved into frustration. I was working on elements of Benjamin’s memorial service on my computer, and the pictures I needed to see weren’t loading fast enough for my liking. I was grumpy. I needed to get outside. In the backyard, on a gorgeous… Continue Reading Empty and Full.

Weeks.

I woke up too early this morning, and no one had anywhere to be. The same was true the morning I dreamed of Benjamin, so I went back to sleep, willing my brain to repeat the gift. It did not work. Such an empty feeling. Benjamin was just a few days older when he died than Banyan was… Continue Reading Weeks.

Balance.

We’re learning lessons every day. Yesterday was our first day back. Michael went to work, Banyan went to school, and I packed my schedule in preparation for Benjamin’s Celebration of Life*. By the end of the day, I was kind of wrecked. We all were. I hadn’t given myself the space to just sit, to be… Continue Reading Balance.