Things feel very intense right now, and I have a full and grateful heart. As I sit here for hours and hours sorting photographs I am struck with pride and thankfulness at having been blessed with this boy for nine years and fifty-one days. There was just so much joy in Benjamin’s life. I have evidence. Tons… Continue Reading Nearing.
Sleep is absolutely necessary. Sleep is completely elusive. How these two facts will reconcile is beyond me, but it’s time. I was awake again last night until after 5am. I tried to lie down several hours earlier, but it was futile. My mind was racing with images and all I wanted to do was return to… Continue Reading Sleep.
Waking up dreamless yesterday morning made me feel empty, and my emptiness soon evolved into frustration. I was working on elements of Benjamin’s memorial service on my computer, and the pictures I needed to see weren’t loading fast enough for my liking. I was grumpy. I needed to get outside. In the backyard, on a gorgeous… Continue Reading Empty and Full.
I woke up too early this morning, and no one had anywhere to be. The same was true the morning I dreamed of Benjamin, so I went back to sleep, willing my brain to repeat the gift. It did not work. Such an empty feeling. Benjamin was just a few days older when he died than Banyan was… Continue Reading Weeks.
Last night, I could not write. I was exhausted to the core. I thought about how hungry I was when I was pregnant with Benjamin, and the subsequent awareness that it had been nothing compared to the hunger that comes with those first days of nursing. This realization was similar. I wasn’t expecting to feel more tired… Continue Reading On Children.
We’re learning lessons every day. Yesterday was our first day back. Michael went to work, Banyan went to school, and I packed my schedule in preparation for Benjamin’s Celebration of Life*. By the end of the day, I was kind of wrecked. We all were. I hadn’t given myself the space to just sit, to be… Continue Reading Balance.