Today was easier than yesterday. The fears ebbed and flowed, but I was able to dismiss them almost as quickly as they came. You have no place here. You are not serving me. You are not serving Benjamin. You are not serving my family. You may go. Michael was right; this feels like another diagnosis all over again, and we have to go through the motions, experience them fully, and act. He and I both saw friends we haven’t seen in a while today. Of course they asked how Benji is doing. The answer is still the same, and it’s still the truth.
Benjamin fell while playing with a friend after school yesterday, and today his bruise is a mighty deep purple. It was a doozy of a fall, one that would have warranted a bruise on any kid, but I’m very curious to see those platelet numbers on Tuesday. I haven’t seen a bruise like this on Benji in a long time. I’m hopeful for a solid number and encouraged by the lack of bleeding that simple cuts and scrapes yield.
Michael and I will meet with a genetic counselor at Moffitt in a few weeks. I made the appointment today. He has decided to go with me on Tuesday to discuss the surveillance plan for Benjamin with our oncology team. So, as of now, except for preventative research, we are in a holding pattern. It’s a place we’ll need to get comfortable in. I am so thankful for my husband. Today, when he came back to the office after a meeting and greeted me with a kiss, one of his employees said, very thoughtfully, “You’re so lucky.” He and I exchanged a look. We’ve thought a lot about luck in the past week. And despite everything, we know she was absolutely right. We are so lucky.
Earlier this week I signed Banyan up for football. Tonight I signed Benjamin up for baseball. There was a cool breeze in the air for the first time in months. I can’t wait to watch my boys enjoying their strong, healthy bodies on the ball fields this fall.