Dreams.

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I slept soundly but woke up too early this morning. I listened to my body when it begged for more sleep. I was rewarded with a vivid dream.

The dream was in real time. Monday morning. We were sleeping in the camper, but we had a tent set up outside, and Benjamin tumbled out of it. No one seemed surprised by this. We decided we’d better take him to the hospital–he was still sick, after all–but once we got there, the chaplain came in, the nurse started crying, and we thought better of it. We brought him home, back to the tent. We inspected his body and saw that he was scarred from the autopsy and tissue collection. The scars looked like they’d had some time to heal. Otherwise he felt okay, maybe a little groggy–and he looked beautiful and healthy. I was pacing outside the tent, starting to form questions; didn’t Dr. Moore confirm his death? How did he go through an autopsy? If he’s here, whose body did we bury this weekend? In my dream, I pulled out my phone to call the funeral director and find out what had happened–then got a very clear message to stop. This is a gift. Be with him now. I went back into the tent, and there was a huge bathtub there. I lifted Benjamin onto my chest and we submerged together into the warm water. Our mutual relief and comfort and love was so tangible, so accessible, even in dreamland. Aaaaah. There we go. There was a couch near the bathtub. Benjamin asked me to make it cozy, to fluff up the blankets and such, so we could move there next–and then I woke up, and realized sharply that I had been dreaming. I deflated, just a little; but mostly I gave huge thanks for such a wonderful visit. I look forward to the next one.

Banyan slept in as well this morning. He was rewarded too, with a drop-off of cards from many of his middle school classmates. Their words were so thoughtful. They made him laugh. They made him feel loved. He is returning to school tomorrow, and I think he is ready. I’m grateful we are able to listen to our instincts on decisions like these. I’m grateful for school families that support us so completely.

When I told Banyan I’d had a dream about Benjamin, he wanted to know every detail. He hung on every word.

I forgave myself for not accomplishing much today. Tomorrow I have a lot to do to begin preparing for Benjamin’s memorial service. Today was for rest, for saltwater, for sunsets. For dreams.

21 thoughts on “Dreams.

    1. I think Benji will be visiting you in dreams for quite awhile until he is called to do “other work”. But both you and he will know when that happens and have your “other goodbye”. He is with all of you now. Love and blessings, Kathryn

  1. When my Grandmother was dying, she told me several times that if I ever dreamt of her, that was her way of visiting me. Sadly I have only had a few dreams about her, but each time I did, I would wake up sad but always felt a sense of such peace.
    Thinking of you and your family.
    xo

  2. what a beautiful gift, and how powerful his force is to stop you in your dream tracks, to cherish the moment. your boy, and his love for you amazes me. i swear to you, my mother does the same to me still, even after 8 and a half years of her being “gone”. sending love and wishes for your deep sleep and sweet dreams.

  3. He was with you as you slept and will be by your side everyday of your life. He is your angel…..thank you for sharing and I have you in my heart everyday. I am so proud of how you cared for him through this horrifying disease..

  4. I have done a lot of reading about dreaming of deceased loved ones. From what I understand, if, in the dream, you don’t realize the person is supposed to be deceased, it is just a dream. But if in the dream, you consciously realize the person is supposed to be deceased, it is a visitation from that person. Clearly your little boy actually visited you in your dreams. What a gift! Sending you so much peace.

  5. I never have an appropriate response to what you write. Ever. I cling to each word though and read daily. My heart is extremely heavy after reading this. My prayers and heart are with you.

  6. Wow. What an amazing and beautiful dream. I’m so glad you were able to almost lucidly realize that it was OK to not investigate the situation but to embrace it. The being with him in water is astounding. Very beautiful. Too often my dreams about my lost ones are frantic with my trying to come to grips with why they are seemingly alive. Next dream, I’ll slow down, really look at them, and try to hear what they are telling me.

  7. I lost someone very dear to me when I was in my early 20’s. He would appear in my dreams from time to time. It seemed the dreams always occurred when I most needed them to. I truly believe these “dreams” are visits from our loved ones. Benji must have known you really needed him 🙂

  8. Thinking of you guys all day… sending positive thoughts and energy to Banyan for an easy transition back to school. Much love to you all.

  9. How reading your blog can make me smile for you is a mystery and a lesson. Always in awe of your wisdom and clarity. Know that I join the other hearts that wish you and your family much love.

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