Today marks the halfway point of Benjamin’s 1219 day treatment for Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Halfway.
The milestone underscored how important it is that I maintain a perspective of presence. I struggled today. I had expectations of reaching this day and feeling celebratory; of standing with Benjamin at the pinnacle of this steep mountain and letting him know it’s all downhill from here. Instead, I observed myself succumbing to sadness. This new genetic discovery has been trying hard to cast a dark shadow over the visions I’ve held onto for so long. Today, a lingering cold and a sleepless night and stormy skies conspired against me. I felt powerless.
I let the sadness pass through, then worked hard to snap myself out of it. I cannot allow this. I must find the vav. The NOW. Today, Benjamin is halfway through with his treatment for leukemia. Today, Benjamin went to school, and came home excited for a long weekend. Today, Benjamin is healthy and strong. Today is absolutely a day worth celebrating. Every day is.
It is so much easier when I’m with them. I picked Benjamin up and had a snack in hand, anticipating his steroid-induced hunger. It didn’t suit his preference; instead he came home and made himself a bean burrito. His sweet cheeks are puffy and red and hot. We picked Banyan up next, and Michael came home shortly after. My whole being exhales at this perfect, present convergence.
The truth is, of course, that I have absolutely no idea what will happen, or when. I am shortchanging myself and my family when I allow these fears to alter my perspective. Now that they have moved through, at least for today, I feel empowered. I will not let them rob me of the joy in my life. And I’ll be damned if I’m letting them come anywhere near my children.