Day 609

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Hurricane Hermine didn’t close down Sarasota County schools today. Benjamin was extremely short tempered this morning, set off by a breakfast mishap. It was clear that his steroids were affecting him. I reminded him to take deep breaths when he felt that feeling. I composed a long text to his teacher, about the steroids, the platelets, and his intermittently burning tummy–then I deleted it. Benjamin knows how to take care of himself better than anyone. I knew he’d call if he needed to. I also knew he’d keep his impulses in check at school.

Today is September 1st, the first day of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Benjamin’s face is everywhere–on blood drive posters, magazine covers, websites. The color gold is lighting up my social media feeds, along with photographs of so many children I have come to love, some healing, some healed, some no longer here. Maybe it was the day, or the rain, or this lingering cold I’m harboring, but┬ámy spirits were pretty low today. I wanted to crawl into bed and hide. And I felt angry at myself for feeling that way. Now is not the time to hide. There is big work to do.

It was kindness that brought me out of my funk. Over the past few days, it’s been coming at me from everywhere. Sweet gifts, rainbow star deliveries, granola, photographs of my children, cards, flowers. The day after our emergency room visit, I drove through Starbucks out of necessity on my way to pick Banyan up from school. The teenage girl in the car ahead of me bought my coffee. She’ll never know what that meant to me.

I am thankful that through everything, we are still, constantly, so well supported by the people and forces in our lives. We are loved, and we love, in ways big and small.  These kindnesses carried me today.

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