I tried to write a little bit more of the letter after my journal entry last night, but it wasn’t flowing as smoothly as it was during my more wakeful hours. I woke up grumpy, no doubt a result of lack of sleep and intense emotions coming to the surface. I snapped at my kids as we were getting ready for school, and felt extremely guilty because of it. I decided to shelf the letter until next Tuesday. On today’s schedule in The New Normal is taking care of all things domestic, and that’s what I did.
As I was cleaning the kitchen, I saw a stack of post-it notes. On the top one was written “banana bread.” I smiled at the good intentions that made me jot down those words, looking at the brown bananas in the fruit bowl. I grabbed the stack of post-its to put them away, and some writing on the back of the stack caught my eye. I flipped it over. The words were scribbled, as though written quickly. “Zantac Kytril Marinol Continue through PM.”
I have said before that my emotions unravel at unexpected moments. I don’t know what happened there in the kitchen, exactly, but I absolutely lost it. Surrounded by Christmas music and solitude, I let it all go. I looked again at the words on the back of the stack of post-its. I can guess from the combination of support medicines that they were jotted down during a phone call to the clinic just before Benji was admitted for Methotrexate toxicity. So interesting that I should find this now, when I am voluntarily reliving these exact days as I contemplate my words to All Children’s. I flipped the post-its back over again.
It was like I was given two roads to follow. Zantac Kytril Marinol Continue through PM or Banana bread. My choice was an easy one. At ten in the morning, I baked a beautiful banana bread. It was no paleo recipe, either; fully leaded with white flour and sugar, Kerrygold butter, homemade vanilla extract. The very best. I shed a few more tears as I was making it, but they were joyful. My guilt from the morning’s grumpiness was assuaged with every movement of my whisk. Here, I found my gratitude again. This is the road I am on now, and I am so grateful to be here.