Day 10

Another positive day for Benjamin the Brave. I’m not so sure I can say the same for his mama.

For whatever reason, my emotions got the better of me today. I think it’s because all of us finally being home together feels safe–like a toddler reuniting with a parent after a long day at preschool–and I threw a little internal temper tantrum. Today is the last day before work, school, and life demands that we truly adapt to this new reality. This reality that none of us would have chosen in a million lifetimes. But here it is, and we are determined to make the very best of it, and one day remember this time in our family’s story with pride.

Since Benjamin’s diagnosis, I’ve wanted to get my hands on all pertinent nutritional information out there. There is simultaneously so much and so little, and what there is can often conflict. With the boys fed, Benji medicated, and everything in Michael’s capable hands, I took my chance to go to Whole Foods and stock up on a few things.

On the way in, I met a close friend for coffee. I’m so glad I did. Our conversation shook me awake and enabled me to shed my emotion and sink back into the earth. I told her about the information overload I have been experiencing. She gave me great advice: trust your instincts. So I did. Bone broth. Dark leafy greens. Rich red fruits. Beets. Smoothie fixings. Good water. The rest, the stuff that needs research, can wait. It felt so good to walk out of that store with a cart full of things that were within my control.

When I got home, Grammy and Noni had just brought lunch, and Benji was sitting at the table ready to eat. His appetite has been hearty since we got home. I know this will ebb and flow, but for now I’m grateful, and hope it will allow me to get some serious nutrients into his system.

Both boys spent the afternoon finishing their homework for the week and preparing for school tomorrow. Banyan will go to class of course, and Benjamin and I will have school time at home. I’m really looking forward to this part of our new normal. His sweet teacher will also be visiting the house weekly to support us and make sure he stays up to speed.

Our school family is amazing. A giant gift basket was delivered today by one of our friends on behalf of the PTO, including gifts and hugs for all of us. We have support in every little corner of our world.

As the sun was setting, my dear friend’s growing belly was on my mind. Her Mother Blessing was tonight. I didn’t know if I should go, or whether I would have the emotional capacity to be present for her. Finally I decided to quickly bring her my blessings. I didn’t stay for the ceremony, just a hug. There were so many women I love there, and it was far too tempting to fall completely apart in their presence. But I’m so thankful I stopped by. Seeing my friend in her radiant light, with her sweet and perfect belly ripe with child, gave me such joy.

There is so much about this new journey we’re on that parallels brand new motherhood. So many fears, worries, moments of doubt and panic. But also, so much love. So many obligations that used to seem to matter so much are simply gone. They may return, and one day I will welcome them. But for now, I have one goal in my life, and that is to care for my family. I welcome this new routine and choose gratitude over all else.

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