Day 397

day 397

Well, I did it. I walked back into my radio studio and talked to my dear friend for an hour about Benjamin’s diagnosis and treatment. My heart was pounding and I was breathing deeply for an hour or so before I pulled up. I used Benjamin’s calming blend of oils and remembered that we can do hard things. And I did it. The studio was dark and quiet, and we were the only two in the building. I have sat in that room hundreds of times before, on the other side of the microphone, asking the hard questions. Tonight I was asked the hard questions. We talked about diagnosis, and treatment, and Banyan, and Michael, and parenting, and self-care, and statistics, and research, and support. I tried to answer as best I could, but as always, the hour FLEW by, and I have since thought of many things I wish I’d said. But I feel really, really good about it. There was a time not very long ago when I couldn’t speak about leukemia coherently at all. I am grateful that the day has finally come where recognizable strings of words are coming out of my mouth about this experience. (Click here for the link to the podcast .)

I was so happy to see my family after the show. Like, tears in my eyes happy. Talking about our experience and the solidarity that has been illuminated by it brought my gratitude right back up to the surface. Michael was proud of me, and Benjamin was extremely affectionate. I asked Michael if Benji had heard any of the show. He said he’d heard the part where I mentioned informed consent, and talked about Benjamin signing his own release forms and knowing what medicines he was taking and what they did and how they made him feel, so that he could be proactive in caring for himself. Michael said he beamed with pride when he heard me talking about him in that way. Guess what, kid? The feeling is mutual.   

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