Day 181

Six months of treatment in the books.

Benjamin’s tummy hurt this morning, so I gave him Kytril. I second guessed myself all day. I realized he was sensitive to the smell of breakfast being cooked. I’m not sure he truly needed the medicine. But Michael reminded me that if I hadn’t given it to him, and he had been sick, I would have second guessed that decision too. We just have to go with our instincts.

The rest of the day was filled with more play, more friends, more shopping for Banyan’s journey to Camp Highlands next weekend. There were a few moments of concern; Benjamin’s eyes were bloodshot today, and his tummy hurt again this evening. When I was driving home from my evening walk on the Ringling Bridge, Benji used Michael’s phone to text me and ask where the hospital bag was. My heart lept up into my throat for a minute. I called, and he only wanted to locate the charger for his tablet. Exhale.

Up on the bridge, I ran into the two beautiful women with whom I produced and co-hosted Maternally Yours, a weekly radio program about maternal health and motherhood, until Benjamin’s diagnosis. It’s so interesting that I would see them tonight. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re six months in, or if it’s because we’re enjoying this break in treatment, but I’m feeling more prepared for a gentle re-entry into the life that will await when Benjamin’s treatment is less intense. I’m still not sure what that life will look like, and I’m being careful not to look ahead. I insist on staying in the moment. But it feels nice not to panic when I think of what’s next. I worked more hours today than I have in months, and it felt really nice.

We have a nice long weekend coming up. It will be our last together before Banyan leaves and Benjamin returns to treatment. I am so thankful for the beautiful and perfect timing of things.

I didn’t take many photos today, but I did catch Benjamin lip syncing to Taylor Swift, a sight which always, always makes me laugh.


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