This was almost the first evening I didn’t write since Benjamin’s diagnosis. I made a simple update on my computer and in so doing, I lost the entire template for this blog. It made me sad and angry to see my little piece of therapy change shape. It may take me a few days to figure out this glitch, but I decided not to let it stop me from writing.
In the mean time, I will record here that I am nervous about our return to normal tomorrow. This two week holiday break has been so fulfilling and so sorely needed. Tomorrow we return to school and work and lunchboxes and math tests and sports practice and alarm clocks. I will miss the togetherness of these recent days.
I am also nervous because of the expectations I have placed on myself as this new year begins. I have told myself for weeks–months now–that I would allow this first year as a sort of grace period, a time to process and to recover. Now, I will be implementing yet another new normal, a return to predictable working hours, and to a different (albeit familiar) set of responsibilities. I have mapped out how to successfully do this; balance time for work, time for cancer care, time for housekeeping, time for the boys and for Michael and myself. I know I can do this, and in some ways, I am excited. I am just not the same human being anymore. I feel like I’m about to walk across a river over a series of slippery rocks. It will be fun, but I might stumble and fall on my face a few times.
Tomorrow also marks the beginning of a serious return to nutrition, detoxification, and exercise for our whole family. For this, I am not nervous, only excited. We enjoyed a very merry December and all of its appropriate indulgences. But its time to get healthy and strong, not only for ourselves, but as an example for Benjamin. Tonight we shared milk thistle, turmeric and probiotics. We said no to several requests for sugar. It was a good start.
My “Word of the Year” for 2016 is RELEASE. I looked it up tonight. As a verb, it has two meanings: to allow or enable to escape from confinement, set free; OR, to allow to move, act, or flow freely. I like these last words very much. To allow myself to flow freely. I can do this.